Memoirs of a Silent Soul

On Music

2011-12-30T16:52:00.002-07:00

My life (or this blog) would never be just without a post on how wonderful music is. There are many things in life that fulfill us, and one that is at the top of my list is music. There are also many things that are so good in life that words don't describe them-music is also at the top of my list there. Suffice it to say that I love music with every fiber of my being, and I can't imagine life without it. If only I could put down in words the feelings I feel through music. Don't worry, though-this post is only the beginning of a continuation. Once I can find the right words, it's totally coming on here.

Walls

2011-12-10T21:59:00.002-07:00

You know what are frustrating? Walls...especially that ones that people build up between relationships.

Do you know what's even harder? Walls that are built up on purpose-mutually-between a relationship. I guess in essence I'm just trying to deal with something that feels right and I feel like God wants me to do it-but my vision can't extend beyond today and how hard it is to have someone that once was a best friend seem so close and so far away at the same time. *Sigh*

Livings: Change of Belief

2009-07-07T11:23:00.002-06:00

I guess I'm really bored this summer or something, but Julia's teaching me colorguard. I think I've always had a little bit more respect for colorguard than most people (even band geeks) have for them, but after trying to do the things I've only watched them do before, I realize it's a lot harder than it looks. I've never had blisters on my hands before, only on my feet-until now. In the last week I've had three blisters magically appear on my hand after throwing all of those tosses. Anyway, I guess the message of this post is just kind of a "don't judge a book by it's cover" post. Just because the experienced people make things look easy doesn't mean they are. In fact, it's usually the opposite, they've just practiced forever.

And just for the record (and also for Eva), I can now throw a double on the flag, and kind of almost throw a double on rifle. I can do a lot on flag, just not parallels. I'm still afraid of them from the last time they attacked me.

Feelings: Neglect/Rudeness?

2009-06-22T10:54:00.004-06:00

Perchance I'm a little overly sensitive. Scratch that. Undoubtedly I'm a little overly sensitive, but perchance I'm oversensitive to others' feelings. For example, when others get in trouble or get their feelings hurt, I almost always feel so bad for them, like it's me that was hurt. I guess, just like a girl in another blog I just read, I'm a "people pleaser". I can't really feel happy unless the ones I care about feel happy. But I also feel like I'm oversensitive about other things as well.

The other day, I was talking to one of my best friends. I was talking to him about how I needed to tell one of our mutual friends (though a better friend on his side than mine) something specific to only him. Yeah, refer to my "Click" post, even though I doubt that will help anything. He then went and talked to said friend, and apparently he thought we (meaning he and I) weren't friends anymore. Sad day! I'll admit, I didn't really talk to him much/ever, but I still personally felt like we were good friends, but it was solely based on one really excellent conversation that we'd had-about two years ago. Honestly, I haven't really talked to him much since then. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised with his opinion, but it makes me disappointed that I thought one way and he the other. Hopefully you understood all/any of that.

I think what makes it more saddening to me is that I don't want anyone to feel like I have "dis-friended" them, just because, again, in elementary school, I didn't have very many friends at all, I and I don't ever want anyone to feel like I'm ignoring them or am not their friend. So I guess, in short, this is a partial apology to that child, and anyone else out there who has ever felt I don't care about them, or even if you're just a normal friend. I promise it's not true. If you're my friend (ever), I'll always consider you my friend, no matter what happens between us. Just know that.

Feelings: Belonging

2009-06-11T09:05:00.002-06:00

I don't think there could be a more appropriate word for how I'm feeling right now. There's the longing part, which I have been feeling especially recently, and it's sort of a longing to be, partially to be with people, and partially to be able to be myself.

My job is okay, I guess. It gets me money and things, I just hate how much it seems to cut into my time. I'm sure it really isn't as much as I think it is, but when one has to get up at 6AM for work in the summer...well, that's not the first thing on my to-do list. I'd much rather spend time with friends and family, those I love. The only thing is, if I didn't have a job, I know that wouldn't happen. I'd just sit around the house all day wondering what to do...so maybe I'm glad I have a job, just because the amount of time I have decreased, so I have more initiative to get together with people when I can.

Wow...that had nothing at all to do with what I was going for. Oh, well. Essentially, what bugs me is the little differences that people when you are hanging out with them one-on-one versus when they are all in a group. It bugs me. Why can't people just act the same both ways? Also, I really wish that I could be in a really good friend group. I have plenty of friends, and many of them I would term best friends, but now, they all seem to have their own (not necessarily exclusive, but more...specific, if that makes sense) groups of friends that they get along really well with, and it seems like I don't have one of these myself. I'm probably just drawing too strong of connections between people I don't really know and minimizing connections with people I do, but I wouldn't be surprised if that came from my childhood. I don't remember ever having a friend group that I'd hang out with in elementary school. Usually I was alone. Maybe the combinations of these things is why one of my greatest fears is being completely alone.

Livings: ...

2009-06-09T13:56:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was an excellent day. Unexpected, indeed. But it was a good unexpected-a very good one. Michael Dressman is very happy now.

Livings: Music

2009-06-04T11:09:00.004-06:00

This should make some of you laugh, even though it's exceedingly short. I was listening to Pandora at work today, and enjoying my soundtrack station...and then Rhapsody in Blue came on. I just cried a little bit I was so excited. Seriously.

I also heard some Star Trek music (I love Star Trek), which 1) Made me want to watch First Contact, and 2) Made me miss Curtis. This is okay, though. He's in the right place.

I love music.

Livings: Congraduation!

2009-05-29T07:00:00.006-06:00

Yesterday I attended my younger brother's high school graduation ceremony. It's only been a year since mine, but it brought back very good memories. And after thinking about it last night, I decided to give congratulations, excellent jobs, and thank you-s to all those who performed, all those who spoke, all those who graduated, and all who helped us get there.

First of all, congratulations, Dallin Dressman! You are an incredibly intelligent boy, and it made me so proud to see you sitting up there in the top thirty. I'm happy to have you as my brother, and you will do wonders for the world with your brilliant mind. As long as you stick to what you know and continue to learn, I believe there will be no end to what you can do. I love you and and so grateful that God has given me such a wonderful brother to live with, through laughs and through arguments, I know that you'll be with me forever, and I couldn't ask for a more wonderful gift.

Secondly, congratulations to my cousin, Kellie Neilsen. I love you and I know we'll both miss each other terribly when you leave for college and I on my mission. You have such a bright and outgoing personality, and you will change so many other peoples' lives with that attitude. This personality will also help you in any field you decide to go into.Don't give that up for anything. Also, don't compromise your standards for anything, not that I'm saying you will, just to keep that in mind.

Plus also, to some other select graduates. Kevin (the butt!!) Carter! I cheered when I saw you. You have such a strong personality, and I would advise you never to give that up. It's the biggest thing that makes you you. Don't ever stop being yourself. Kylie Moe! Hooray! I saw you down there, and you have the brighest and sunniest attitude, it makes anyone smile. Don't ever stop lifting people up, that's what you do. Celeste Sweeney! See, I told you you'd make it. Through thick and thin, you've still made it through-even to prom. The world is ahead of you now, but don't let it frighten you or make you nervous. Instead, frighten the world with how wonderful you are. I know you can. James Graham! It's over! Now you can get on with your life. You have a very sympathetic nature, from what I can tell. Don't be so afraid to share that with other people. It's not common in most guys, but it's a good thing that you have. Nathan (Tee) Merrill! You made it! Don't worry about college, it's much better than you think. One thing...share yourself with people. It's okay to be antisocial sometimes, but not always. The thing is, if you keep yourself away from others, you're being selfish by not showing them one of the brightest personalities they may ever find. Make new friends. You change people (for the better), and I don't think you realize the extent to which you do that.

To all the graduates from our ward, along with my brother, I'd just like to mention by name. Congratulations Ryan Lopez, Lauren Miner, Mary Dalrymple, Brittany Knapp, Britanny Southworth, Lauren Giles, Jordan Dastrup, Jill Jensen, Montana Newman, Katie Roberts, and (hopefully not) any others that I forgot.

To all above and all the other graduates, a large congratulations! You've made it, and your real life is now ahead of you. As Chip Koop said, enjoy your hot chocolate! To Keenan Larsen and Nathaniel Pribil, excellent job with your graduation speeches. They were incredibly well-written, and I was moved.

To the choir and symphony orchestra, as well as the "Unwritten Singers" and Jordan Wilkinson-excellent job with all of your musical numbers, I always look forward to what Lone Peak has to perform musically. To Sam Bunderson, partially for at graduation, but mostly for the orchestra concert-incredible job! To be a sophomore and play what you are playing, and at the level you perform it, is simply astounding-especially to fellow pianists like myself. To Travis Howden, excellent job for actually showing up to the graduation ceremony, though that means I can't murder you. :) Oh, well.

And I'm sure this comes from Dallin and all the graduating seniors as well as myself, reminiscing from last year, thank you to all of the friends that helped us along the way. You were there for us when we were having a bad hair day, a bad grade day, or just a plain bad day. You were the ones we shared our secrets with, the ones we got in trouble with, and the ones we could just act stupid around and not have to worry about it.

To our teachers-sure, you gave us a bunch of grief with tests, grades, assignments, papers, projects, etc. I'm sure at least every one of you has had a student talk bad about you behind your back once in your life, but in all honesty, when we hit graduation, it doesn't matter how much we thought we hated you in class. We really do love you, and we'll give a cheer to you for all you've done to educate us, and even to those teachers we've never had. If we're lucky, we hope to have even taught you a thing or to. So thank you.

And of course, to our parents, who've raised us since birth, seen the best and the worst, we thank you. There's no way we could have done it without you. You nag us, you pester us, you bother us, but in the end, none of that is what teaches us. What teaches us is the examples that you provide for us, the silent deeds you don't know we're watching, and the love that you spread around that makes us want to follow your footsteps bravely into the big wide world.

So, in closing, congratulations Lone Peak class of '09, and look out world, here they come!

Oh, and also, congratulations to Dallin Brown, who received the loudest cheer that I heard out of everyone.

Thinkings: Dogs and Disabilities

2009-05-25T12:47:00.002-06:00

So, granted this isn't that inspiring or anything, but I've noticed that dogs and people with disabilities always seem to get along really well, like they're working on the same wavelength. And honestly, it makes sense. Dogs always live in the moment, and forget any grudges or worries that they may have had even five or ten minutes ago. Now, I've never been around a disabled person long enough to know this, nor have I asked them, but I get the feeling it's the same way with them. I know this is short, but it just struck me like that...I dunno. Maybe we should try to be more like dogs, or people with disabilities (in a good way).

Livings: Mirrored

2009-04-27T21:01:00.001-06:00

Oh, boy. Here I go. So for those of you who don't know this, I compose songs. And for the first time today (well...practically the first time) I recorded three of my songs-those songs all being ones in which I sing. Oh, dear. I'm sure almost everyone know what it's like to hear themselves over a tape or something. It almost always sounds weird-as did this, in my opinion. However, for some reason I decided I really like them...it kind of almost makes me sound professional...ish. Anyway, this was more for a journal-like sake than anything else. So if you care that much...whoopdeedoo for you. :)

Writings: "Spiders of Salem" Prologue

2009-04-19T21:45:00.006-06:00

Okay...so I'm finally putting the prologue of "Spiders of Salem" on here. Comments, criticisms (constructive), questions, admirations, hate mail, all welcome in the comments section. Sorry it took me so long, it's just that I had to retype it all on here, because the copy and paste was being retarded. Well...not really, it just wouldn't cooperate in the same font...which drove me crazy-and it wouldn't tab...which also drove me crazy. But anyway...here you go.

Prologue

Why exactly we moved away from England, I don't think I'll ever entirely understand. When I ask Father, he says it is so he can start a tailoring business and gain financial freedom. When I ask Mother, she says it is so we can become free and safe from the evils of the world and practice religion the way we want. When I ask them both together, they say it is so I can go the the best school the world has to offer.

"But there are good schools in London." I say.

"Not good enough for our boy." my father chuckles, ruffling my hair. I edge away and go down to my room in the ship's cabins. I hate it when he does that. As I sit there, I think of all the other reasons my family might want me to go to Salem. Perhaps they like the atmosphere there, away from all the hustle and bustle. I don't imagine I will. I miss London so much, and it does not help that we are only thirty knots from the shore of America. The captain says we will make it there by morning. I discard that idea and move on to the next. Maybe it is because they want me to make more friends, newer friends, better friends. I disagree. I had plenty of comrades in London. Just because they didn't agree with the crowd I spent my time with doesn't mean they would move away from London-does it? No, my parents are not that impulsive. I throw this idea away, too. Suddenly, a startling thought occurs to me. What if Father isn't a tailor at all? What if he deals in under-the-table secret practices with villains and spies? What if Father isn't as dull as I thought?

"Perhaps that is why we are moving away!" I think. Father must have done something wrong; he must have slipped up with a deal or made a mistake with his calculations, and we must move away to evade the men who are after our family. I am thrilled with my new discovery. I am well aware that it is most likely untrue, but it is getting late, I am tired, and this idea is so entertaining to me, I don't particularly care to let it go. I decide this is why we are heading to Salem, fleeing from the spies of the night that are after my father for his secrets. And with that I sleep, pursuers and secrets schemes dancing with me in my dreams.

I am violently jolted awake, flung off my bed by the intensity of the storm that is raging outside. Father comes and grabs me. "Come Daniel, you must hurry. There isn't any time! We must leave now!" he says, referring to my attempt to grab my sack of belongings to take with me. I reluctantly ignore it and run upstairs to the deck closely following him. Up here in the rain, everything is chaos. People from our home country are running left and right, grabbing sons and daughters; the young adults that foolishly came to make a fortune in America are wailing, "Oh, Lord! Forgive me of my sins!"

I can only follow in disbelief as my father hurries me along. I hear of ships caught in storms often, but most make it out safely. Our ship is strong and hardy, isn't it? My father bids me to stay put, and I watch him go the the captain's helm, where he begins shouting a conversation with him, but over the pouring rain and jarring movements of the boat, I cannot hear a word either of them is saying. With horror, I suddenly realize what had been making me feel an unusual hole. My mother! Where was she, and why had Father not gotten her. Father again has my hand, dragging me down the length of the deck until we reach the small getaway vessels.

"Get in the boats, Daniel!" he yells.

"What about Mother?" I call furiously back. "Why didn't we get her?" He doesn't answer my question, but simply repeats his command. "Daniel, get in the boat now!"

Without warning, he suddenly pushes me in, and a strong burly man grabs me. "Hold him there. He mustn't leave." my father tells the man. I struggle to get loose, but I am much too young, and the man holding me is much too big. Father gives me one last loving look, and runs back towards the cabins. Relief and terror hit me at the exact same moment. He has gone to save Mother, but the danger is just as terrible for him. I worry about them both now, and I wish I could be up there to help. However, this strange man's grip on me has not loosened any, so I can only scream and yell, tears streaming down my face, praying that they will be all right.

Our boat is being lowered down, slowly, by captain's orders, so as to allow my parents a chance to jump in should they come out in time. Just as we pass below the deck's edge, Father swings over and lands in our boat. Shoving the strange man away, he grabs me in his arms, clutching me as if he is afraid for both of our lives. I choke out, "Where's Mother?"

I look up at him. His face is horror-stricken, as if he had just seen hell itself. Tears are pouring off of his face, drowning out even the rain. "She's not there," he moans. "We had to leave before I could find her." I can no longer contain myself. Our boat hits the water, but I don't even notice, I am praying so hard. I have never prayed so truly in my life. I pray to God that she will be saved, that she can come to us, that she won't leave our family like this. A man in the boat shouts, and everything goes silent around me. Finishing my prayer, I look up to the deck, and my heart leaps. My prayer has been answered.

My mother is standing there, her dress in shambles, torn all down both sides, praying fervently herself, overcome with the Spirit of God. She waves her entire body back and forth, flinging her arms up and down. It makes me think of Jesus in the Bible, when he calmed the storms, and I believe Mother is praying for the exact same thing. She looks down and recognizes me.

"Daniel!" she screams.

I yell back as loud as my small voice can muster, "Come down, Mother, come down!" Her look changes to one of sadness, and I can only see her shake her head dejectedly. "Mother, come down! You can still make it!" Mother continues to look down at me with the same sadness in her eyes as before, and then, taking off her necklace, she looks straight at me-and drops it. Our boat is too far away, I realize. I must have her necklace. Throwing caution to the wind, I dive off the boat, the people within realizing me just too late to respond, having all been hypnotized by my mother's saint-like piety. My father dives in after me, but I don't care. I am only focused on one thing-my mother's necklace. Somehow, I watch it fall against the side of the ship, and just in front of my eyes, it falls below the surface. I plunge down into the icy water. I must have that necklace! Groping blindly, I pray again to God for a miracle, pleading with him to let me have this one part of my mother, and miraculously, I feel the chain in my hand. Almost immediately after, I feel my father's firm grip around my waist. He pulls me up, both of us coughing and choking. We reach the boat, and the crewmen pull us up. We are farther away from the ship now than ever.

I watch my mother's silhouette standing there, alone on the boat, a Christ calming the sea.. I pray to God a final time, begging him to let my mother live. Lightning suddenly strikes the boat, cracking in clean in half, violently giving me my answer.With shock, I realize Mother will not be coming on the boat with us. I can no longer keep myself composed, and I dissolve into my father's arms, sobbing fiercely, clutching the miniature, metal crucifix in my small hands.

Livings: Back In Business

2009-04-17T20:19:00.002-06:00

So...for the longest time (even though it really isn't, it just seems like it) I have had writer's block. I have tried every imaginable thing to get rid of it (mostly). However, it's finally gone! Hooray. I don't know exactly what it was, perhaps a combination of things. The only things that I can think of are 1) Possibly reading Chris's spill and getting inspiration from that, 2) Writing music 3) The Film Appreciation Club's Top Twenty-Five Movie Night, and/or 4) The length of time without writing (maybe I just needed a break). Anyway, I made a groundbreaking discovery about my story-mmm, good. So perhaps if we get lucky and Dressman actually is diligent in doing what he should, you readers may finally get the Prologue of "Spiders of Salem".

Livings: Movies

2009-04-16T22:51:00.002-06:00

So everyone has their movie lists. Today I went to an event for a Film Appreciation Club (initially for the free food) which featured the clips from the president's top twenty-five favorite movies. Granted, some of them I wouldn't have chosen, but that's personal preference for you. It was just getting me thinking of how many movies I like, and how difficult it would be for me to compile a top ten, twenty, or even top fifty list. I'm pretty sure that's all.

Livings: Epiphany

2009-03-26T12:54:00.002-06:00

So here's the deal. I've been reading this new series that one of my good friends has been pestering me for a good while to read. I'm really enjoying it (having already reached the halfway point in book five), and have just now decided that the author has a lot more insight than I previously thought, even if he does seem to write at a seventh-grade reading level. I would strongly encourage reading the series, especially to those who enjoy sci-fi/fantasy. It's called "Pendragon", and it's by author D.J. MacHale.Anyhow, the story revolves around the main character, a fifteen-year old boy, Bobby Pendragon. I won't go into too much detail, but he's the protagonist, and the antagonist is an evil "man", for lack of a better word, named Saint Dane. The main plot of the series is that Bobby is trying to save a bunch of different territories from falling into chaos, as Saint Dane would have happen. There are events and conditions that occur that can alone determine the outcome of the territory. They are referred to as "turning points".

Be aware this post isn't completely about the book. It's good, but in my English 2010 class today, I kind of subconsiously applied it to my life. By the by, I thouroughly enjoy my English class. The professor challenges the way I write in a way no one has before, as well as bringing things to my attention I had never before thought of. Right now we're working on writing proposal papers. These consist of finding a problem, the possible causes behind it, and recommending a solution.We're pretty early along in the process, so as of now we've just been finding problems. Personally, I'm planning on writing about the problem that most of our generation has right now of being so poorly informed, even though this generation has the most accessible information yet. As we were discussing all the different proposal ideas that the students had in class, I had an epiphany, if you will, relating to Pendragon. I think we as America, are reaching our turning point, and from the looks of it, we're not doing so hot. I get the feeling that America is turning in the wrong direction.

Anyway, I'll end this post with a semi-condradictive sentence. I decided I'm really worried about the direction that America is heading, and I'm really excited to write my proposal paper!

Livings: Hair

2009-03-25T22:03:00.002-06:00

Yeah, I know...this is very odd. But I'm trying to become more of a real person now on blog. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, I'm thinking that I'd really like to dye my hair sometime...not necessarily soon, just sometime. The only problem is, I don't know what color I'd dye it. Black and brown are out, because brown is my hair color and black is close enough it wouldn't make a difference.

I know I want it to be a color that would stand out enough that people would be able to tell. For some reason, blond really stands out to me as a good color for that, however, I'm not sure how I feel about bleaching my hair-or how it would look. Basically, I'm asking for your opinion. Would I look good as a blond?...if not, what other color would you recommend? Plus also, any tips or hints would also be appreciated.

Livings: Parents

2009-03-13T19:13:00.002-06:00

Okay, I love my parents. I really do, with all my heart. There are things I credit completely to my parents, things I would never have without them-life, for one, but food, a good upraising (probably wrong tense or word), and my religion. But it frustrates me so much when they just simply seem to have their own agenda and aren't willing to listen or consider mine. Is this selfish of me? Maybe...okay, probably yes-a lot. But oh, well. I've already started, so now I'm finishing. I come home from college on my Spring Break, hoping for a week of relaxation, and getting to do just what I want to do, not what needs to be done (Again, I'm aware that this is pretty selfish...but I'm allowed that every once in a while, aren't I?), so I wasn't exactly thrilled when my parents told me they were leaving to St. George and I get to babysit the younger siblings (oh, how endearing). But I'm pretty easygoing, so that didn't really bother me that much-what irked me was the plan that I had to visit the high school every day for lunch. PAUSE. I know what you're thinking. "That's so lame, visiting the high school, on your break nonetheless!?" Yeah, I'm well aware. I'm not visiting the high school for the school. I'm visiting it for the friends there. Anyway, Monday I find out there is no school, but whatever-I still have four school days. Tuesday and Wednesday go without trouble...only let's just say there was a certain...presence that was missing (a presence I had particularly hoped to see). "Oh, well," I think, "I still have all of Thursday and Friday." But no...

All of a sudden, my youngest sister decides to get sick with a fever, and of course I have to take care of her because my parents are gone and I conveniently am at home with "nothing" to do. Hence, I end up with the luck (ha! luck, my foot) of taking care of her while my parents are in St. George. Still, though, I wasn't that bugged, until I found out I could have no shindig-esque thing at my house. Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's a stretch for my parents to allow me to do it when I'm the oldest kid home, but for a college student that's hoping to have a break, but then to have to 1) babysit his sister for two days instead of going to school, 2) babysit his other siblings over the weekend (even if he is getting paid for it), and 3) not even see the person he's most looking forward to seeing. Although this is redundant, I'm well aware this is considerable selfish of me. I can't expect things to always go exactly the way I want them to, but at least give me a little leeway.

I'm not really sure to what end this post was headed to...maybe it wasn't. It may have been (quite possibly) just a rant-not on my parents, just on life. I've realized this now. I'm a hopeless romantic. I'll just have to get over that. And as a line is quoted from one of the deleted scenes in "Enchanted" (one of the many movies I watched multiple times with my sister), I may be just a "hopeless romantic trying to get by in a world where romance is hopeless." Oh, well. I'll just plod on. :D *Ultra-cheesy sarcastic smile*

P.S. The "endearing" part was sarcastic. I really wanted to add that in because the word endearing struck me and wouldn't stop screaming until I put in in here.

Plus also, hooray! I think I finally wrote a post that wasn't actually intended to be deep. Look, readers! I'm human!

Feelings: Children's Eyes

2009-02-20T22:03:00.003-07:00

I just watched "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown". I went into the theater in a...well, less than favorable mood, for reasons that will remain unnamed. Needless to say, as the play began, I was subconsciously thinking along the lines of "I dare you to make me enjoy this play." Hence, for around the first half hour, I had a very negative attitude towards the entire world...well, not the entire world, but everything around me at the time. However, there were some lines that hit me straight in the heart-namely a part in the musical when Lucy asks Linus "Give me one good reason why I should even stay on this planet!" after she finds out how crabby she is towards everyone, and Linus says "Because you have a little brother that loves you."

No worries, now I'm back to normal. I think I needed a "shock", for lack of a better word, to get me back to normal. I have been having...issues in my life that have been typical, but for personal reasons, which really aren't that good of reasons, I have been blowing these out of proportion. I needed this play to tell me that a child's life is the purest gift that we have. Simplicity and love are the main portions of this, and I formulated a quote that helped inspire me to try and live life more simply-more like a child. "Through the eyes of a child, life is made of joy, love, and magic-looks like we could all take a few lessons from them."

In closing, I hope that we can all try to live more childlike lives (note: childlike, not childish), and leave you with the last lines of the closing song in the musical. "Happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime, too-for happiness is anything, and anywhere at all that's loved by you."

Feelings: Obsession

2008-12-16T11:41:00.002-07:00

This is mostly an extension of my last post, but this tends to happen a lot. The reason I'm writing it is because it's happening again, and it's always oddly really strong, so I thought I'd explain it a little bit.

Usually after I get a new best friend or make a really strong role model, I start obsessing about them. And this isn't a mild obsession, this is like the stalker-creepy obsession, only with the exception of making it public-well, until now. I start connecting everything that I've ever known with that person-foods and smells that make me think of them, events that remind me of them, there are even clothes or behaviors that start reminding me of that person.

To try and save myself from the image of a creepy stalker (which I am not), let me just say that I have no idea why I do this. It's not as if it's a conscious decision, but rather something that my subconscious compels me to do, like it's something that is a drive inside me to satiate the emptiness I start feeling when I'm around them.

Okay, well that didn't turn out as well as I had planned. Now instead of sounding stalker-creepy, I sound like I'm possessed or have a mental disorder. Well people, I promise I have nothing of the sort. I have all my metal facilities, and the last time I checked, I'm not being controlled-I'm completely normal...mostly.

Livings: "Click"

2008-12-15T11:20:00.003-07:00

Do you ever have those times when you meet someone, and you just happen to "click", so to speak? Good, I thought you did. Well, today my story is about a really unusual and unexpected "click".

So basically I go to visit the high school over the Thanksgiving break to see my friends, and there is a new sophomore sitting with them. Naturally, I introduce myself, and the only thing I find out there was this kid's name, which I will refrain from exposing for anonymity. Anyway, then I went back to college for the final two and a half weeks of the semester before I returned. As I was sitting there, I saw said child's profile picture and made him my friend. Looking at his profile, I had a sudden impression. Marcus* is going to be a really good friend of mine. I thought. And for me, it was more than that, because I have this thing where there are certain people who simply "click" more than others...it's more than a friend relationship. Don't ask me to explain, because I can't. I've tried to do it before, and people end up thinking I'm really weird.

I digress. So back at the ranch/ meanwhile/ whatever you want to put there, I wrote on Marcus's* wall. I didn't want to be all stalker-like or creepy, so I left it up for him to reply, but basically I said that I was interested in visiting with him. He replied back and said he didn't have a problem with it. The next day, we ended up having an hour long chat session on Facebook about nothing in particular. I was feeling particularly giddy that day. My suspicions had been mostly confirmed, seeing as how Marcus* and I had almost the exact same views on everything. We both decided we had to meet again in person and talk, because I wanted to see if he acted the same way in real life, because often online and real life are completely different.

I go to the Lone Peak Big Band Dance and we meet again. Needless to say, we visit again-only face-to-face. This was very fulfilling. I asked him some of my "harder" questions...and he responded in a way that only certain people can. Let's just say that some of my questions are ones that would leave almost anyone saying, "And? Where's the question part?" but he didn't do this.

Anyway, to prevent further rambling, let's just leave it at this. I am very happy, and I think I've just made a new best friend. Also, Merry Christmas and all that crap.

* Name has been changed. Yeah, I know it's a retarded one, but it was the first one that popped into my head that wasn't actually the kid's name.

Thinkings: The 3 Descriptions

2008-12-09T20:41:00.002-07:00

This post is actually one that is continued from my last post, "Descriptions and Diversity". I have been thinking about this for some time, and I have thought of the three words that describe me best. I have obviously come a long way since I have been in high school. The words that I have come up with are much more abstract than the things that most junior high students, maybe even high school students, would think of, hence, I will explain as I go. I would encourage anyone who reads this to write this in their blog, as it is a refreshing point of view to regain, but this is a suggestion, not a command. The words I would use to describe myself now are "combined", "disconnected", and "contradictory". Don't worry, I'll explain.

First of all, I am "combined". Although I tend to be a little leery of relationships at first, aka "shy", once I get to know someone, I can easily relate to a lot of different things. I like to consider myself open-minded, so I am able to sympathize and work with people very easily. I am not one who gets mad...at all, really. I am simply one who can take a little portion of everyone in the world and relate to it.

Second, "disconnected". This one is more difficult to describe. It makes perfect sense to me, but I assume that most others won't understand it. This has two aspects. First of all, I watch the world continuously from a distance. I find everyday events mundane and pointless, and I constantly feel like I am suffocating, needing something more to satiate me. While I still participate in the world's activities, the mood strikes me suddenly and I can't focus on anything but the need to fulfill myself. The second part of this is much harder to describe (as if the first part wasn't). I am...apathetic, for lack of a better word. I can watch the events going on around me and be completely unaffected, as if I can choose what will control my life and what won't...that's about the best you're going to get out of that one, sorry.

Obviously, as you can already tell, the last description is "conflicting". From the two points above, that is already evident. What things are more opposite that being able to see everyone's side and at the same time distance yourself from them? I tend to do this a lot. For example, I hate the winter...and I am well aware hate is a strong word-it fits. However, there are times (even in the middle of the summer) when I have winter pangs, feeling like there is a part of me that needs winter. This is only one example. The list could go on and on, but at this point, there isn't much more I can do to explain what I already have tried my best at. Therefore, you have now read my own evaluation of the way I am-in three words.

Thinkings: Description and Diversity

2008-12-06T22:11:00.003-07:00

You all remember those times back in elementary school were you had a week where you had to make a poster about yourself, telling about your likes and dislikes, some pictures from your life, etc. You do? Good. Then you remember the part where you also had to describe yourself in three words. Back then, our minds were so limited, the best answers you got out of anyone would be "Smart, Funny," and something about that person's stuff, like "Has Cool Toys" or "Has Pretty Hair".

Then junior high ran around. Most people were so confused and trying to find themselves they didn't know what to write on the questionnaires the teachers handed out at the beginning of the year, so often the answers would be similarly juvenile. "Smart" often found a place in the mix, but there were slightly more mature answers, like "Dedicated" or "Neat-freak", but although more descriptive, they essentially meant the same thing-kids were still searching for themselves. Sometimes you would get a very...ambitious (for lack of a better word) person here and there who would write their supposed career or some other description, like "Future Doctor" or a quality needed for a certain job, like "Hardworking" or "Really Strong".

Once we reached high school, the papers handed out by the teacher usually disappeared, and no one had to worry about the "3 Descriptions" part. Oddly enough, the students ended up doing this to each other, and even worse, they ended up reverting almost back to the elementary school level, classifying everyone by their basest attributes, like "The Jocks", "The Preps", "The Brainiacs", "Band Geeks", etc.

Anyway, now I have been thinking about that here (at college) most people don't classify each other at all, just because everyone is so different it wouldn't really make any sense. I realize now that it didn't make any sense all along...well, except maybe in elementary school when you learned how to do this...but human nature took it too far. I think we need to realize diversity is not something to be afraid of-but loved. We are all so different, there's no need to criticize each other's faults when we have so much we can learn from each other.

Stay tuned next post for when Dressman posts his self-evaluating college version of "The 3 Descriptions"!...

Living: Goal Setting

2008-12-02T17:32:00.003-07:00

I'm a winner! Okay, now to explain. For those of you who haven't read my last post, last month I decided to do National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo.For those of you who want to see the official website, click on the hyperlink in my last post. This is a challenge to write (and submit to a website) fifty thousand words in a matter of thirty days. That just sounds like a big number, but once I got started, I had the feeling I would be able to make this amount of words, no problem. For the first couple of days I didn't write anything-I didn't need to. I already had a number of scenes from different dreams I had, random writings I had felt like doing, and other things that related to what I had planned my story to be. I found quickly that was not the way to go about things. That first Saturday of November was spent almost entirely at the computer, trying desperately to catch up to where I was supposed to be to stay on schedule. I found it incredibly difficult to try and manage typing at least 2,000 words per day when I had to worry about other things like schoolwork and the social life I try so desperately to retain (even though I had warned many people about the coming hermitage that I would be sticking myself into). Thanksgiving weekend was even more difficult, seeing as I spent most of my time visiting relatives that I hadn't seen in about a year. I was hopelessly behind by the last day of November (hey, can you blame me? If you loved your family as much as I did, you would be, too). But lo and behold, I was able to complete my 50,000 words by midnight on November 30, hence, I'm a winner!

There were so many people who, when I told them I had won (and these were the ones that knew about NaNo) the first thing they asked was, "What did you win?" When I shrugged and told them, "Nothing." They quickly became uninterested and walked away, telling me it wasn't worth anything if I didn't win something that was a tangible prize. Throughout the month, I had similar responses when people asked me what I was doing and I replied that I was writing a story. One of them wouldn't stop bugging me until I told him I had an inkling of a thought to publish it, which afterwards he said, "Good. It wouldn't be worth anything unless you did." Wrong. Completely wrong. I don't understand that mentality-people who only do things for a physical reward, or for that matter, people who do things for an external reward of any kind. Intrinsic motivation is where a person is motivated to do something of their own free will because they enjoy it. That is why I write. And NaNoWriMo has been one of the most motivating things for me as a writer, because now I know that I can accomplish things. I often get the best story idea ever, only to have it piddle away as I notice the flaws and contradictions that occur. Rarely have I ever gotten more than about three or four pages into the story before I lose interest. With NaNo, however, I have found that I can persevere and complete a goal that I may have, even if I get discouraged, which believe you me, I did a lot last month. I learned that I can do anything that I want to do if I keep myself focused on the goal, and not on the obstacles that inevitably surround them. That, to me, was the biggest thing I learned. That was the reason I did NaNoWriMo, and the reward I found in it was better than any certificate or amount of money could provide.

Oh, I almost forgot! There was one more thing I intended to do, and I almost skipped it. Now that I've finished my story (well, mostly), I would like people to comment on this post on whether they want me to post any portion of it on here or not. If I deem there are enough people/more than about three, then I will post portions of the story that I have written (but only the good parts, because trust me, when you're writing at two in the morning to catch up to a deadline, there are some things that just don't look good). And just EFY, I will give you the title, perhaps just to tantalize more people to post "yes". And if you already did, get as many people as you can to get on here and vote yes, too (just my shameless plug, because I really want to post this, but I'm asking for opinions, too). The title is "Spiders of Salem".

Feelings: Deterrence

2008-11-17T16:21:00.006-07:00

So let me just put it this way. Ever since my last post, I have been...deterred from writing more. I feel like everyone reading these (if there are any) wants to be the kid that always has these incredible insights about life with really descriptive and intelligent sounding words. I, on the other hand, do enjoy that, but I also like to show the different sides of myself, and that is definitely not the only side of me that I have. Anyway, that was what this post is halfway about. Also, I remembered the fourth category I wanted to post. As you've probably already figured out, it's Feelings.

Random Information of the Day: November is officially National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo for short. After years of pestering from one of my best friends, Megan Lloyd, I finally decided to do it. The challenge of Nano is that one has to write a story (aka a series of coherent words that relate to each other) of 50,000 words. The hard part about it?-it has to all be written in the month of November. Yeah, I found out really quickly that is a lot harder than it sounds. Anyway, I'm pretty much writing this to say that you probably won't get a lot out of me this month just because of that, but maybe, just maybe, if I have enough free time, you'll be privileged enough to read some of my story-I'll post it on here (trust me, it's not as good as you think). Until then, so long. I'm now off to go accompany a soloist in my ever-decreasing amount of free time.

Until Futher Notice...

2008-11-04T16:40:00.003-07:00

I have decided that I want to include more than just deep thinking...I've read other people's blogs and decided that I like blogs that have a variety of things that are in there. So, I think I will change the type of posts I have. Don't worry, I will still post a lot of the ones I do right now, it's just that I will include day-to-day things (like this).

I think I'm going to group the things I post into three different categories: Thinking (like the ones I have been posting), Living, and Writing. I kinda think I want to add another one, and if I do decide to, I will either post that or explain it in the post. So until further notice, I am (for lack of a better word) updating my blog. That is all.

Men's Bathrooms and Sugar Shots

2008-10-18T23:42:00.003-06:00

I just returned from a trip that our neighborhood took to Moab. It was so much fun, our neighborhood is so close, it's like we're all just a huge family. One of my next door neighbors and I can always talk together about anything, so we were up most nights until around two in the morning, one night we didn't get to bed until four. I originally intended not to post this, as it reveals many things about me, probably a little more than I would normally feel comfortable with, but this is such an important thing, I have to have other people realize that things like this can and need to be expressed. This is a little long, but it's good and needs to be written.

Emotions are usually either very clear and on-the-sleeve or subtle and hidden. One thing, however, is usually similar of emotions, regardless of what type. They all pierce the deep to the soul. Some hit nearer to the nerves, such as anger or panic, and some push on the heart, like pride and patriotism, but all will touch the mind or the soul, often both. The one emotion I want to discuss is the emotion of missing someone or something.

This is a complicated emotion to deal with. For me, it's always most prominent after leaving a locations where wonderful memories have been or were recently made, or after departing with someone close and dear to me or someone with whom I can connect. There is never simply one word to describe the feeling that occurs. Loneliness is not the right word. I know that I may come back to a place, and if not, there are better places meant to come. I know that I will meet again with these certain people, whether in this life or the next. Loneliness is too broad a term. The feeling is like a hole when I leave, a hole I know is irrational to feel, but still occurs every time, regardless of how hard I try to resist. The only thing I can to is measure the length and width of the hole. Through this I know how much that place or person affected me. Though I write this, and most people understand what feeling I'm covering, I notice, as some other deeper people may, that there is something missing. There is some other portion to missing someone that is hard to explain. It is similar to obsession, but not quite the same thing. You notice things about the place or person next time you meet, the things that make your heart pang as the distance between you increases. I know that something has deeply hit me when I feel it in my heart. People say that the heart is just an organ, all the emotions are experienced in the mind. I agree with this-to a point. I do believe the mind controls most of the emotions, but if I miss someone truly and deeply, I literally feel it in my heart. It is as if the hole has pulled a piece of my heart with it, a piece that belongs to that person now. I feel a physical twist in my chest, not like butterflies, but exactly like a portion of my heart and soul has been permanently given to a person to hold.

This is not at all the direction I was intending to take, but this feeling is so complicated, I almost have to let my mind to the talking for me. Missing someone is partially a hole, partially obsession, and partially Christlike love. If I truly miss someone, it is someone I honestly love, someone I earnestly pray will make it to the next life, someone I want to live with forever. Family, neighbors, and close select friends. It's curious to find the array of people that can grab my heart like this. Sometimes I wonder if one of these people that so connect with me is more than just coincidence, but fate. Perhaps I am meant to come to these people, and they are meant to find me, for whatever reason. Perhaps they will play a vital role in my life, a friend, a future family member, a loyal and friendly soul. Perhaps that is why I miss these particular people so fully and completely.

Three Over, Four Down/"Run!"

2008-10-13T22:51:00.002-06:00

I've decided to adapt Hallmark's motto to my blog: only the best. Now that we're off of that random tangent, you get to hear my rambling of the day. [ Inspired by "Heroes" ] By the way, I'm only almost done watching the first season, so don't think I'm completely up-to-date with the newest episode. My roomates had the first season. I started watching last Wednesday...and I'm shamelessly addicted. Anyway, without further ado...

Is it possible for someone to believe in something or to be morally twisted around so completely that they would totally abandon the life they had before or the values they used to embrace? Where we live (or at least, I and the vast majority of these readers live, I assume) here in Utah, it makes us seem invunerable. Most people here declare they will stick to their values and never forsake them, but is it true? Are there situations people are placed in where-try as they might-they would end up losing what they consider their truest virture? I argue yes. Every person, no matter how strong or seemingly invicible, has faults, and once someone finds out what "makes them tick", they have complete access to the controlboard of their mind. When someone is so convinced they are following something right, nothing can-or will-stand in their way. People can be hurt, relationships can be damaged, and innocent victims can even be killed. The person's entire life can become flip-flopped, and they are still convinced they are in the right. So many spew the typical "It won't happen to me!" argument, and it is almost cynically amusing how childishly they believe it. It won't happen to me, you say. Oh, really? Let's just lay your personal Hydra in front of you and see how you manage. People may hold up for some time, but as soon as you find their proverbial "Achilles heel", immediately they are as crippled and crumbled as the Colosseum. Their submission is abrupt and thorough. Think about it, as much as you wish not to. You do know a person this has or will happen to-everyone does. The only difference between these circumstances is how it happens and the intensity of this so called "disease". The only thing we as flawed individuals can do is hope-hope and pray that we are not chosen-chosen to be the next victim, the next sacrifice on the altar, the next slave to our "morals".

Dark of the Moon

2008-10-04T13:34:00.003-06:00

Whenever I watch a really good play, one that gets me thinking, I always feel like writing. Now that I have a blog (by the way, I have a blog now!), I can post this out to the world for no other reason other than that I want to. Hooray! So I actually wrote this immediately after seeing this play "Dark of the Moon", yesterday, but I'm posting it now. Sidenote: If you want to know the plot of Dark of the Moon, it's basically a witch boy who turns into a human because he loves a human girl, you can probably find it on the internet if you want to know more. Anyway, here is my first blog post. Celebrate!!!

'I am human, but often consider myself deeper than such. Human nature dictates that all people have deeper feelings within them than they usually show to people, but the problem I've often noticed is that too many people are scared of revealing this. The undiscussed and "taboo" subjects are the ones that people are noticeably uncomfortable talking abou, but so many people don't realize the inexplicable sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that talking about these topics bring. God, love, sex, magic, the devil, eternity, problems, true feelings, these are the kind of things that people don't enjoy talking about. However, once someone gets past these feelings and bears their sould, it is impossible to describe. I have seen souls connect, not just minds, but souls. And fortunately for me, I have experienced this as well. Covering this subject is like describing the Spirit of God or telling people what salt tastes like-there are not words enough to describe those feelings. I suppose my plea to you here is simply to open yourself up more. Do not, by any means, take this the wrong way. This doesn't mean to go and tell someone about all you problems or immediately pour you soul out to just anyone. Find someone you consider a very close friend and start talking about something you are a little bit awkward towards, something out of your comfort zone, say, the afterlife. You'll notice the feeling it brings after you get over how unusual it is, and hopefully you will spread this unknown news to as many people as you can.'